By Ken Druck
7/23/2025
Unsolicited advice shuts people down. Here's what to do to build trust instead.
Key points
· Unsolicited advice often disrupts emotional connection and leaves others feeling misunderstood.
· Deep listening builds trust and intimacy, especially during times of pain, loss, or uncertainty.
· Asking how someone feels can be more supportive than offering a solution or opinion.
There’s a silent killer
lurking in even the best of conversations—one that doesn’t come in the form of
yelling, name-calling, or finger-pointing. No, this one hides in plain sight,
disguised as “help.” It shows up in the form of unsolicited advice. A “You
should…” here, a “Why don’t you just…” there. And just like that, the magic of
a meaningful conversation evaporates.
I’ve been guilty of it
myself. On a walk one morning, I had a moment of clarity about a personal
challenge I was facing. I came home ready to share it with my wife—not to be
fixed, but simply to be heard. Before I finished my thought, she offered a
suggestion. I bristled. Not because I didn’t love or value her input, but
because what I needed in that moment wasn’t a solution. I needed her
understanding. I needed her to listen. And in that moment, I realized: I’d done
the same thing to her countless times.
The Gift of Feeling
Understood
There are few things in
life as powerful as the feeling of being understood. It’s the oxygen in our
relationships, the quiet confirmation that we matter. And it begins with one
thing: listening.
Not listening to advise.
Not listening to fix. But listening to understand.
In more than four decades
of working with families, leaders, and individuals navigating everything from
everyday changes and challenges to traumatic loss, I’ve seen
this truth again and again: Listening is the heartbeat of trust and support.
It’s what keeps our marriages intact, prevents our friendships from crumbling,
saves our struggling teens from spiraling, and revitalizes fractured relationships
in the workplace.
Listening Is a
Practice, Not a Performance
Most of us think we’re
good listeners. But let’s be honest: Listening can be difficult. Calming the
part of us that loves to jump in with advice, answers, and quick-fix solutions
takes restraint. It takes practice slowing down long enough to quiet our own
thoughts, judgments, and agendas. The scar tissue on my tongue from biting it
shows what a good listener I’ve become.
Exceptional listeners
create safe spaces where the speaker doesn’t feel judged, analyzed, or managed.
They feel held. Exceptional listeners don’t interrupt with “Yes, but…” or “That
reminds me of…” They don’t try to one-up your pain with their own or hijack
your story. They ask open-ended questions like:
“What was that like for you?”
“What were you feeling?”
“What are you telling yourself that you should say or do?”
When we stay curious,
compassionate, and calm, rather than trying to figure out one another, we feel
understood, supported, and even loved.
When “Helping” Hurts
The instinct to give
quick-fix clichés and advice often comes from a sincere desire to help. We see
someone struggling and want to lessen their pain and suffering. But when our
advice is more about our hunger to help or discomfort with the other person’s
pain and feeling helpless, we need to chill. We need to just be with someone in
their sadness, confusion, or fear, not to fix them.
Healing doesn’t happen in
the fixing. It happens in the being with. Resist the urge to take away the
pain, soften the blow, or take the spotlight and stop yourself from squandering
an opportunity for peace, healing, understanding, and acceptance.
The Wisdom to Know the
Difference
Of course, there is a time
for advice. There are moments when someone truly wants our input, guidance,
direction, and perspective. But how do we know when that time is?
Simple. We ask.
“Would you like my take, or do you just want me to listen?”
“Are you open to hearing a suggestion, or would it feel better for me to just listen?”
And when the answer is
“No,” we honor it. We don’t push. We don’t sulk. We respect their boundaries and let things
be.
Becoming a Better Listener
Starts Right Now
It’s never too late to
become a better listener. To catch yourself mid-interruption and bite your
tongue when advice is about to slip out. Learn to soften your tone and posture,
meet someone’s gaze, and say, “I’m here. And I'd love to hear how you are doing.”
Whether it’s your parents,
partner, son, daughter, coworker, or best friend—every day offers us new
chances to listen better, love better, and become the most compassionate,
communicative version of ourselves.
So, the next time you’re tempted to fix, pause. Breathe and tell yourself, the best thing for me to do right now… is to simply listen.
About the Author: Ken Druck, Ph.D., isan author, speaker, facilitator, executive coach, and regular presenter atuniversities such as the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of California San Diego Department of Psychiatry.
Online: Author Website, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram
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